Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Honey and vinegar

"And the beat goes on" Sonny and Cher would sing....Yesterday was filled with interesting meetings and phone calls. First the call to another doctor for a second opinion. It went something like this:
"I need the MRI report before the almighty considers seeing him before April."

"OK, there's a problem with the report because the radiologist read it wrong, so he will receive information that is false. How can he make a decision on something that is inaccurate?"

"M'am, the policy is that the doctor only reads the reports and makes the decision to see him or not."

"OK, let's try it again, the report, the piece of paper that will help him to make the decision is wrong, inaccurate, bogus, faulty, filled with errors, amiss, askew, astray, at fault, awry, bad, counterfactual, defective, erratic, erring, erroneous, fallacious, false, fluffed, goofed, in error, inexact, miscalculated, misconstrued, misfigured, misguided, mishandled, mistaken, not precise, not right, not working, off-target, on the wrong track, out, out of commission, out of line, out of order, perverse, rotten, sophistical, specious, spurious, ungrounded, unsatisfactory, unsound, unsubstantial, and untrue....capish? or as they say in Italy....tu capisci?"

"M'am, just send the report by fax to my attention and have a good day..."

Oy! Bullpen mom's magic is beginning to wane. Now what? I'll send her the fax, wait for a reply and look for another opinion. This one has a vicious doberman at the door with her teeth bared ready to pounce on any mother trying to have her child evaluated.

Actually, that's what I need...a guard administrative assistant to keep the needy and helpless from receiving my assistance. I will have this person refuse to let anyone see me or get to me because I have a strict, unavailable, and inflexible policy. That's right....who's that man behind the curtain? The great and powerful Wizard of Oz or a surgeon who is unreachable and inaccessible? Here is another thought...what if we do get in to see the powerful Oz and we let him perform the surgery? It seems to me that I will not be able to ask questions and can only speak when he moves his little pinky finger. That is code for "OK, ask me a question that I will probably not answer and not make eye contact with you. And by the way, your kid is just a number to me, an extremity, a shoulder, so don't think that I will even know his name when we finish. An arm is an arm is an arm...they are all the fax the report and maybe, just maybe, I will open the door....By the way, do not forget your co-pay!"

On another note, the big kid called today and had contacted the second surgeon and asked his assistant to try to move his surgery up to be done over spring break. "Mom, you would be proud of me, I was very nice on the telephone to her. This way, if an opening comes up, she will let the nice guy...that's me... have the slot...." Hmmm...things that you learn from your own kids. I guess that I will leave the sarcasm out of my next telephone call to the doberman; after all, as BP Grandmom always says: "You attract more bees with honey than vinegar...."

No comments:

Post a Comment